Perhaps this was the feeling the writer was hoping to elicit, but geeesh! I felt like I was watching someone I loved die a sad, painful death for the first 50 minutes. Maybe its because Dustin looks strikingly similar to my beloved Uncle Tom.. but Harvey was breaking my little heart. To watch this man obsess, awkwardly shuffle around his heart so as to avoid realizing it, to be so uncomfortable in himself that he can hardly stand being alone while his deep aches surface as "distant" "incapable of feeling" and sadly continues to isolate him. brehh.. how very sad that the world is full of aching people, awkwardly shuffling around each other to avoid themselves and even happiness, to an extent.
For some reason I feel the need to write about this movie. Why? I don't know.. because so much was being said with few words. I would hope all people would see these simple truths I picked up on, but I am taking this tiny little corner of the world wide web to process a few things from this movie I only watched because my roommate had it in the DVD player when I got home and sat down to eat.
-that sometimes people need to lose that very thing they're hanging on to.. that one single, unsatisfying, cold, inanimate object or idea or career or relationship to which they're desperately clinging, in order to find freedom.. that will allow them to discover true happiness. hard.. so hard.
-ok ok, there may be the rare occasion in which a man actually had a heart attack or something nearly fatal occurred which prevented him from calling you or showing up or following through. such was the case in this movie, but I hold strong to the fact that 98% of the time, you're just getting blown off. it sucks.. and it shouldn't happen but its true and it does.
-"he's in stationary? I love stationary." that we women-folk have the occasional tendency to cling to any random given fact about potential man that might make him the perfect man for us. So the line "oh computers... not stationary" is much more than a comment, it is a big let-down because the solitary proverbial stationary has been taken away.
ah.. that people are hurting. of course we know this.. but this movie flashes it boldly in front of us again.. the most difficult people to be around, to love, to understand.. are those who probably need all it (love, hugs, compassion, understanding, grace) the most.... i hate this fact, but it is so entirely true. I hope people who watch this movie get that if they didn't already. if we could all just understand each other, the stories, who we are and how we got here, we'd all be a little less angry and a little more open to loving and a lot happier. "you see the lines upon my face, tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don't mean anything, when you've got no one, to tell them to, its true..." Brandie Carlile "The Story"
I guess Harvey didn't "figure it out in time," to save his younger years, given the divorce and years of misery, but how is it that when he's in his 50's.. err 60's, when he loses his job, has almost completely lost his daughter, he figures it out- what matters, how to fight for it.. how to take the chance..... even when his job, his only almost-quasi-triumph is re-offered to him, he finally sees its unworthiness, its inability to provide him happiness if not the opposite and denies it. why does it take so long for people to figure it out?? i guess pride? pain? confusion.. ignoring your conscious? i guess its easier to bury disappointment, hurt, pain then it is to look it in the eyes, dance with it a while, and gracefully step out of the ball of misery before it becomes the dance of your life at which you're hiding in the corner.. scared, unhappy, and lonely.... with an empty dance card.
And the hard, cold reality of broken hearts.. my favorite quote of the movie, "you see, I think what it is.. is.. i'm more comfortable with [used to] being disappointed... i think i'm angry with you for trying to take that way."
Good movie, unexpected thoughtful evening...
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
a lenten faith battle
July 1st, 2003:
My good friend Jacob gave me a book called, "The Case for Christ," by Lee Strobel. I never read it. I didn't need someone to present facts to me to give me a reason to believe in Christ, I already knew what I needed to know.
Despite this fact, that book has traveled with me and found a home on my shelves ever since.
**************************
March 18th, 2008
One thing I have come to learn about myself in my early adult years, is that my heart is constantly drawn to religion.. to practicing, to learning, to questioning, growing, believing, to sharing, etc. I always seem to desire to learn more and share it, if others are interested. In fact, I don't think anyone (or I, at least) could learn enough! There's always someone else with another question to answer, another angle to consider, or another belief to understand. In fact, it was this very desire to learn that lead me on a quest for answers that ultimately lead to my joining the Catholic church. I prayed, read books, read the Bible, asked questions, spoke with priests, pastors, roommates, and many devout and beautiful people of both the Lutheran and Catholic churches.
My research certainly wasn't as thorough as others' research has been, but I let those people who spent years and years seeking answers tell me what they'd found by reading their books and testimonies. It was an amazing journey.. with many ups and downs. It felt like a long time to me, but it was only the last year that was really challenging as it was during that year that I started to admit to people that my heart was finding answers in the Catholic faith.. it was humbling, confusing, and scary. Thank goodness, most all supportive, whether they completely understood my reasoning or not. In fact, my dad wrote to me: "It doesn't really matter what any of us think. This is a matter of your faith, your love for Our Savior." I could cry all over again, but that's just a trinket of the great support I received from my loved ones. :) I even got a flower corsage from the CA fam! Anyway, moving along..
aw.. let's add a picture! This pic is of myself, Jill (who was my past roommate, dear friend, and now, sponsor) with our good friends, Ben and Lucy's daughters on the night of my confirmation last year.. ooo.. which was one church-year ago this Saturday!
After I joined the church, I had found a deep peace and was ready to settle into Catholicism. No more struggle, just enjoy the graces, right? Well, that didn't quite work out.. of course not. Why would it? Would evil stop pursuing my heart? Stop challenging my faith?
A few weeks ago I was perusing the book store at the Newark airport with my girlfriends, while we waiting for our boarding time before heading to Aruba. Out of nowhere, this book caught my eye: "A History of God," by Karen Armstrong. "Of course," I thought to myself... I'm supposed to be going on a fun, relaxing vacation and I find a big, fat, hard-cover book about God. Even though I normally go for the light-hearted, don't-have-to-think, just-enjoy fiction whilst traveling.. I always seem to be drawn to books about God. This book especially piqued my interest as the writer had once been a nun, had a bunch of degrees :)and now taught Islam. "Perfect!" I thought to myself, "an interesting perspective and information about how three religions were born from one God!" I always wanted to further delve into the of Islam and Judaism being of the same roots. Perhaps its the missionary desire of my heart that draws me to anything that might help me understand what other people believe to be "God." I figure it must be good to understand something if you're going to say you don't believe it? Rather than reject an idea you don't understand? Or understand what other people believe if you're going to converse with them about what you believe? Does that make sense?
Either way, I knew what I was reading on my vacation:
So much for light-hearted! I started reading the book on the way to Aruba and it didn't take long or much reading between the lines before I could sense what direction she would be going. It was clear she wouldn't be trying to send people to Jesus. I shrugged it off, assuming that knowing her perspective in the beginning would assure my ability to objectively consume her information and digest it without changing my previously established beliefs.
Well, 2 weeks of some serious struggle later, I can tell you I was wrong. It was clear to me that the author was extremely intelligent, well-studied, and offering what appeared to be a great deal factual information. Actually, much of it, I'm sure is fairly factual but I got so caught up in wanting to learn and remember what she was writing, that I forgot to absorb it objectivity, to an extent, and started to mistake everything for fact. This became an issue in the third chapter where she quickly de-deidizes Jesus (totally made that word up.. makes Jesus not divine) making him nothing but a mere healer of the Jewish faith whose humble death clearly indicates he is no God. Meanwhile, the first two meaty chapter were all about how the God we follow now was one of many gods who managed to wipe out all of the other pagan gods/godesses with war and destruction. yikes.. I mean, sure I'd read about many of these stories but the background on the pagan beliefs and gods I had never before considered.
There is really no way for me to explain the depths to which she goes in three chapters.. nor how deep this all wounded my heart and most of these thoughts never left the safety of my heart, but I was struggling, deeply, for the first time ever. I didn't think the Bible was going to provide the answers I needed because it was clearly partial to one side. I didn't know what would.
So, I e-mailed my Old Testament professor from college, Monday night.. knowing he'd never remember me.. (I was actually very quiet in this class believe it or not ;), but I couldn't think of anyone more passionate and knowledgeable of the Old Testament, than him.
The e-mail I sent was fairly short. I didn't get into much detail only mentioning that my faith had been shaken like never before and I wondered if he'd read this book by Armstrong or if he'd heard of her. I figured he'd must of heard of her work and hoped he'd have something to say that would slice her words in the achilles.. but he hadn't heard of her. His e-mail response wasn't exactly what I needed but then again, I hadn't given him much information about where my heart really was or what this writer was all about.
I knew what I could do.. I needed to grab that stupid book (stupid as in its been annoyingly staring at me this whole time begging to be read) gifted to me from my dearest Jake, and start reading.
How annoyed was I that I actually had to read it, but that was just it, I knew I had to. So to the gym we went, me, my shaken faith and Strobel, "Come on, Stroble, give me hope!" Strobel was a journalist with a law degree, and an atheist. His wife became a Christian and as he noticed the changes in her life, he had to investigate this Jesus thing. He writes, in the intro: "Setting aside my self-interest and prejudices as best I could, I read books, interviewed experts, asked questions, analyzed history, explored archaeology, studied ancient literature, and for the first time in my life picked apart the Bible, verse by verse. I plunged into the case with more vigor than with any story I ever pursued. I applied the training I had received at Yale Law School as well as my experience as legal affairs editor of the Chicago Tribune."
"So here we go.." I thought, as I set the book down to take my coat and sweatshirt off at the gym. As I hung them on the rack, someone walking by caught my eye. My priest!!! My priest was at the gym again! I'd seen him one other time, months ago and since he was moved to another parish, I hadn't seen him since. I looked down at the book and felt extremely reassured. Here was a man who'd given his entire life to Christ, to bringing people to Christ. And this man, he is a cool-cat of a priest! He is this hip, good-looking, masculine, athletic, intelligent (I'd gone to several discussion/question-and-answer forums/groups he'd led), well-spoken, Baltimorian native. I didn't know if he'd seen me or even if he would remember me, so I didn't say anything but just soaked up the peace I felt in his presence. It was a great moment.
Then, I hopped on the bike and started reading. I read as fast as I could, anxious to get to something that would help inform me, give me facts, help renew my trust. (I know you must be wondering, "but what about faith, Laura!! that's what faith is!?" I can't explain it.. like I said earlier, I cannot begin to explain how Armstrong's book sucked me in and spit my faith out... but it did)
Eventually I'm on the elliptical, reading and working out vigorously (I think my angst gave me an energy boost!). In the middle of Strobel's second chapter and first interview with Craig Bloomberg where he's questioning the reliability of the four gospels, Bloomberg starts to explain something and refers to the title Jesus most often called himself, "Son of Man." But Strobel interrupts him..
"Hold on.." Reaching into my briefcase, I pulled out a book and leafed through it until i located the quote I was looking for. "Karen Armstrong, the former nun who wrote the best-seller "A History of God"...
THERE IT WAS!!!!! Right then and there I knew EXACTLY what Strobel was going to say next.
"...she [Karen Armstrong] said, it seems that the term, 'Son of Man' simply stressed the weakness and mortality of the human condition,' so by using it, Jesus was merely emphasizing that 'he was a frail human being who would one day suffer and die.' If that's true," I said, "that doesn't sound like much of a claim to deity."
I was elated. My extremities literally stopped moving and the elliptical slowed. I smiled at the book, bowed my head, and gave myself the sign of the cross, right then and there. I'm pretty sure I even "yayyy!" under my breath! ;) How perfect! How perfect that he was questioning Bloomberg with the very same words of Armstrong's convincing writing! ahh... I almost didn't care if I kept reading because I knew Strobel's outcome was faith in Christ.. I knew he eventually converted to Christianity and knowing that he researched to a deeper extent than the mere three disturbing chapters of Armstrong and still came to believe.. that was enough of an answer in and of itself. It was a beautiful moment at the gym for Laura! ;)
But I kept reading anyway. I think the next part is fantastic, so I'm going to share with you how Bloomberg responded to Strobel:
"Bloomberg's expression turned sour. 'Look,' he said firmly, 'contrary to popular belief, 'Son of Man' does not primarily refer to Jesus' humanity. Instead, it's a direct allusion to Daniel 7:13-14.'"
With that he opened the Old Testament and read those words of the prophet Daniel: 'In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. he approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence. He was given authority, glory and sovereign power; all peoples, nations and men of every language worshiped him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed.'
Bloomberg shut the Bible. 'So look at what Jesus is doing by applying the term Son of Man to himself... this is someone who approaches God himself in his heavenly throne room and is given universal authority and dominion. That makes the 'Son of Man' a title of great exaltation, not of mere humanity.'"
So.. there you have it. I'm sure, if you've made it this far, you've read enough and are ready to be done! ;) So I'll leave it at this.. I'm thankful to have had this time of struggle, if no other time than during lent, if only to better appreciate the resurrection, faith, trust, all while having gained a deeper understanding of the history of God and.. something that finally made me read "The Case for Christ." Although, I think its perfect that I hadn't read it until now and yet carried it with me from MN to CA to IA to MD. And just like many of the other blessings I couldn't even ignore during this time of struggle, as many of the gifts from God, this book and I bonded at just the right time.
Thanks for reading.. and for caring.
Much love
lkm
My good friend Jacob gave me a book called, "The Case for Christ," by Lee Strobel. I never read it. I didn't need someone to present facts to me to give me a reason to believe in Christ, I already knew what I needed to know.
Despite this fact, that book has traveled with me and found a home on my shelves ever since.
**************************
March 18th, 2008
One thing I have come to learn about myself in my early adult years, is that my heart is constantly drawn to religion.. to practicing, to learning, to questioning, growing, believing, to sharing, etc. I always seem to desire to learn more and share it, if others are interested. In fact, I don't think anyone (or I, at least) could learn enough! There's always someone else with another question to answer, another angle to consider, or another belief to understand. In fact, it was this very desire to learn that lead me on a quest for answers that ultimately lead to my joining the Catholic church. I prayed, read books, read the Bible, asked questions, spoke with priests, pastors, roommates, and many devout and beautiful people of both the Lutheran and Catholic churches.
My research certainly wasn't as thorough as others' research has been, but I let those people who spent years and years seeking answers tell me what they'd found by reading their books and testimonies. It was an amazing journey.. with many ups and downs. It felt like a long time to me, but it was only the last year that was really challenging as it was during that year that I started to admit to people that my heart was finding answers in the Catholic faith.. it was humbling, confusing, and scary. Thank goodness, most all supportive, whether they completely understood my reasoning or not. In fact, my dad wrote to me: "It doesn't really matter what any of us think. This is a matter of your faith, your love for Our Savior." I could cry all over again, but that's just a trinket of the great support I received from my loved ones. :) I even got a flower corsage from the CA fam! Anyway, moving along..
aw.. let's add a picture! This pic is of myself, Jill (who was my past roommate, dear friend, and now, sponsor) with our good friends, Ben and Lucy's daughters on the night of my confirmation last year.. ooo.. which was one church-year ago this Saturday!
After I joined the church, I had found a deep peace and was ready to settle into Catholicism. No more struggle, just enjoy the graces, right? Well, that didn't quite work out.. of course not. Why would it? Would evil stop pursuing my heart? Stop challenging my faith?
A few weeks ago I was perusing the book store at the Newark airport with my girlfriends, while we waiting for our boarding time before heading to Aruba. Out of nowhere, this book caught my eye: "A History of God," by Karen Armstrong. "Of course," I thought to myself... I'm supposed to be going on a fun, relaxing vacation and I find a big, fat, hard-cover book about God. Even though I normally go for the light-hearted, don't-have-to-think, just-enjoy fiction whilst traveling.. I always seem to be drawn to books about God. This book especially piqued my interest as the writer had once been a nun, had a bunch of degrees :)and now taught Islam. "Perfect!" I thought to myself, "an interesting perspective and information about how three religions were born from one God!" I always wanted to further delve into the of Islam and Judaism being of the same roots. Perhaps its the missionary desire of my heart that draws me to anything that might help me understand what other people believe to be "God." I figure it must be good to understand something if you're going to say you don't believe it? Rather than reject an idea you don't understand? Or understand what other people believe if you're going to converse with them about what you believe? Does that make sense?
Either way, I knew what I was reading on my vacation:
So much for light-hearted! I started reading the book on the way to Aruba and it didn't take long or much reading between the lines before I could sense what direction she would be going. It was clear she wouldn't be trying to send people to Jesus. I shrugged it off, assuming that knowing her perspective in the beginning would assure my ability to objectively consume her information and digest it without changing my previously established beliefs.
Well, 2 weeks of some serious struggle later, I can tell you I was wrong. It was clear to me that the author was extremely intelligent, well-studied, and offering what appeared to be a great deal factual information. Actually, much of it, I'm sure is fairly factual but I got so caught up in wanting to learn and remember what she was writing, that I forgot to absorb it objectivity, to an extent, and started to mistake everything for fact. This became an issue in the third chapter where she quickly de-deidizes Jesus (totally made that word up.. makes Jesus not divine) making him nothing but a mere healer of the Jewish faith whose humble death clearly indicates he is no God. Meanwhile, the first two meaty chapter were all about how the God we follow now was one of many gods who managed to wipe out all of the other pagan gods/godesses with war and destruction. yikes.. I mean, sure I'd read about many of these stories but the background on the pagan beliefs and gods I had never before considered.
There is really no way for me to explain the depths to which she goes in three chapters.. nor how deep this all wounded my heart and most of these thoughts never left the safety of my heart, but I was struggling, deeply, for the first time ever. I didn't think the Bible was going to provide the answers I needed because it was clearly partial to one side. I didn't know what would.
So, I e-mailed my Old Testament professor from college, Monday night.. knowing he'd never remember me.. (I was actually very quiet in this class believe it or not ;), but I couldn't think of anyone more passionate and knowledgeable of the Old Testament, than him.
The e-mail I sent was fairly short. I didn't get into much detail only mentioning that my faith had been shaken like never before and I wondered if he'd read this book by Armstrong or if he'd heard of her. I figured he'd must of heard of her work and hoped he'd have something to say that would slice her words in the achilles.. but he hadn't heard of her. His e-mail response wasn't exactly what I needed but then again, I hadn't given him much information about where my heart really was or what this writer was all about.
I knew what I could do.. I needed to grab that stupid book (stupid as in its been annoyingly staring at me this whole time begging to be read) gifted to me from my dearest Jake, and start reading.
How annoyed was I that I actually had to read it, but that was just it, I knew I had to. So to the gym we went, me, my shaken faith and Strobel, "Come on, Stroble, give me hope!" Strobel was a journalist with a law degree, and an atheist. His wife became a Christian and as he noticed the changes in her life, he had to investigate this Jesus thing. He writes, in the intro: "Setting aside my self-interest and prejudices as best I could, I read books, interviewed experts, asked questions, analyzed history, explored archaeology, studied ancient literature, and for the first time in my life picked apart the Bible, verse by verse. I plunged into the case with more vigor than with any story I ever pursued. I applied the training I had received at Yale Law School as well as my experience as legal affairs editor of the Chicago Tribune."
"So here we go.." I thought, as I set the book down to take my coat and sweatshirt off at the gym. As I hung them on the rack, someone walking by caught my eye. My priest!!! My priest was at the gym again! I'd seen him one other time, months ago and since he was moved to another parish, I hadn't seen him since. I looked down at the book and felt extremely reassured. Here was a man who'd given his entire life to Christ, to bringing people to Christ. And this man, he is a cool-cat of a priest! He is this hip, good-looking, masculine, athletic, intelligent (I'd gone to several discussion/question-and-answer forums/groups he'd led), well-spoken, Baltimorian native. I didn't know if he'd seen me or even if he would remember me, so I didn't say anything but just soaked up the peace I felt in his presence. It was a great moment.
Then, I hopped on the bike and started reading. I read as fast as I could, anxious to get to something that would help inform me, give me facts, help renew my trust. (I know you must be wondering, "but what about faith, Laura!! that's what faith is!?" I can't explain it.. like I said earlier, I cannot begin to explain how Armstrong's book sucked me in and spit my faith out... but it did)
Eventually I'm on the elliptical, reading and working out vigorously (I think my angst gave me an energy boost!). In the middle of Strobel's second chapter and first interview with Craig Bloomberg where he's questioning the reliability of the four gospels, Bloomberg starts to explain something and refers to the title Jesus most often called himself, "Son of Man." But Strobel interrupts him..
"Hold on.." Reaching into my briefcase, I pulled out a book and leafed through it until i located the quote I was looking for. "Karen Armstrong, the former nun who wrote the best-seller "A History of God"...
THERE IT WAS!!!!! Right then and there I knew EXACTLY what Strobel was going to say next.
"...she [Karen Armstrong] said, it seems that the term, 'Son of Man' simply stressed the weakness and mortality of the human condition,' so by using it, Jesus was merely emphasizing that 'he was a frail human being who would one day suffer and die.' If that's true," I said, "that doesn't sound like much of a claim to deity."
I was elated. My extremities literally stopped moving and the elliptical slowed. I smiled at the book, bowed my head, and gave myself the sign of the cross, right then and there. I'm pretty sure I even "yayyy!" under my breath! ;) How perfect! How perfect that he was questioning Bloomberg with the very same words of Armstrong's convincing writing! ahh... I almost didn't care if I kept reading because I knew Strobel's outcome was faith in Christ.. I knew he eventually converted to Christianity and knowing that he researched to a deeper extent than the mere three disturbing chapters of Armstrong and still came to believe.. that was enough of an answer in and of itself. It was a beautiful moment at the gym for Laura! ;)
But I kept reading anyway. I think the next part is fantastic, so I'm going to share with you how Bloomberg responded to Strobel:
"Bloomberg's expression turned sour. 'Look,' he said firmly, 'contrary to popular belief, 'Son of Man' does not primarily refer to Jesus' humanity. Instead, it's a direct allusion to Daniel 7:13-14.'"
With that he opened the Old Testament and read those words of the prophet Daniel: 'In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. he approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence. He was given authority, glory and sovereign power; all peoples, nations and men of every language worshiped him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed.'
Bloomberg shut the Bible. 'So look at what Jesus is doing by applying the term Son of Man to himself... this is someone who approaches God himself in his heavenly throne room and is given universal authority and dominion. That makes the 'Son of Man' a title of great exaltation, not of mere humanity.'"
So.. there you have it. I'm sure, if you've made it this far, you've read enough and are ready to be done! ;) So I'll leave it at this.. I'm thankful to have had this time of struggle, if no other time than during lent, if only to better appreciate the resurrection, faith, trust, all while having gained a deeper understanding of the history of God and.. something that finally made me read "The Case for Christ." Although, I think its perfect that I hadn't read it until now and yet carried it with me from MN to CA to IA to MD. And just like many of the other blessings I couldn't even ignore during this time of struggle, as many of the gifts from God, this book and I bonded at just the right time.
Thanks for reading.. and for caring.
Much love
lkm
Monday, November 12, 2007
friends and dear Jesus..
recently, i've been attempting to play the guitar again. I was pretty bummed when i got to Baltimore, via car, and realized that i could have brought my guitar along since i'd driven, but had instead, walked right by it a dozen times at my parents home and left without it. When I got to my house here, though, I was quite excited to find that my roommate's girlfriend left her guitar here while she was in grad school up north, they're both totally generous and don't care at all if i play it.. so I do!
I'm not a horrible guitarist. I mean, I'm slightly more skilled than Phoebe, but I more than pale in comparison to my eldest brother! ;) I prefer picking over strumming and i can follow along with the tablatures on the internet for some of my favorite artists (over the rhine, ben harper, etc). But... more often than any other song I've ever attempted to play, I know I've played "Friends" and "Dear Jesus" twice as much. If you're a past Grace-camper you know exactly what i mean.. if you're not, you'll have to read on!
I grew up at a Lutheran church in small-town Iowa, that had an incredibly strong and active youth group. My parents, who had learned to play guitar while my dad was in the Air Force in SD, became counselors of the youth group in 1983 and helped lead music for NYG's, summer camp, winter camp, Sunday school, choirs, Bible school, vespers, etc.
Life in the LYF was a family affair! My older brothers were members soon they were helping lead music, as well. My younger brother and I got to tag along to summer camp since the rest of our family was there, and hang out with the few other younger kids around... and those are some of my favorite childhood memories. It was like having a hundred older siblings who loved, cared for, played with, and protected me.
Anyway, back to the guitar.. I do believe that my parents random decision in the mid 70's to learn guitar has had a lasting affect on the rest of the entire family. Their involvement in the youth program shaped our childhood, and all four of us have also learned to play guitar to some degree, granted, we range (widely) in ability. Nonetheless I find it completely beautiful that all of us have somehow or another, tried to play the instrument we watched our parents play together as we grew up.
There was one music book the youth group used.. it was blue plastic/vinyl cover with 100-some pages of songs. We sang often, morning devos, evening vespers, Bible studies, etc.. and we generally sang the same 20 or so songs but we always closed the gathering with the two songs, "Friends" and "Dear Jesus."
These two beautiful songs have very similar chord structures and are easy to play, so they were most likely the first two songs i learned. I took one of my parents' song books to Concordia with me and when I got homesick (which was every day for the first semester!) I'd thumb through and attempt to make myself feel at home with the old music. I really can't even begin to guess how many times and places, that in my years as a pre-member, member, song leader, sunday school teacher, counselor, college student, etc.. i've sung those songs.
So.. last night, when my arms were tired, my fingers were burning and creativity was lackluster, i fell back against my pillows, guitar in hand.. and as i started strumming out "Friends," singing quietly in my room, fifteen years of memories flooded my heart.. starting with the oldest memories of my parents playing, then my brothers, then the years when i was in LYF. Many of my friends, some who didn't even belong to the same church, knew these songs.
I am eternally grateful for all the ways Grace LYF shaped my life, as well as my family, as a child, teen, and college student... and I wish I could give every child what I was blessed with in being a child in that church, with those amazing parents, beautiful friends, camp fires, and the music.. this music. I wish I could share that with everyone. For now, though, I'll sing to myself, in my room, on my bed-on-the-floor, as I travel nurse in Maryland and let my heart float back to all those places its been when i've sung this song...
"and I thank you, I thank you God, for all of my friends...."
I'm not a horrible guitarist. I mean, I'm slightly more skilled than Phoebe, but I more than pale in comparison to my eldest brother! ;) I prefer picking over strumming and i can follow along with the tablatures on the internet for some of my favorite artists (over the rhine, ben harper, etc). But... more often than any other song I've ever attempted to play, I know I've played "Friends" and "Dear Jesus" twice as much. If you're a past Grace-camper you know exactly what i mean.. if you're not, you'll have to read on!
I grew up at a Lutheran church in small-town Iowa, that had an incredibly strong and active youth group. My parents, who had learned to play guitar while my dad was in the Air Force in SD, became counselors of the youth group in 1983 and helped lead music for NYG's, summer camp, winter camp, Sunday school, choirs, Bible school, vespers, etc.
Life in the LYF was a family affair! My older brothers were members soon they were helping lead music, as well. My younger brother and I got to tag along to summer camp since the rest of our family was there, and hang out with the few other younger kids around... and those are some of my favorite childhood memories. It was like having a hundred older siblings who loved, cared for, played with, and protected me.
Anyway, back to the guitar.. I do believe that my parents random decision in the mid 70's to learn guitar has had a lasting affect on the rest of the entire family. Their involvement in the youth program shaped our childhood, and all four of us have also learned to play guitar to some degree, granted, we range (widely) in ability. Nonetheless I find it completely beautiful that all of us have somehow or another, tried to play the instrument we watched our parents play together as we grew up.
There was one music book the youth group used.. it was blue plastic/vinyl cover with 100-some pages of songs. We sang often, morning devos, evening vespers, Bible studies, etc.. and we generally sang the same 20 or so songs but we always closed the gathering with the two songs, "Friends" and "Dear Jesus."
These two beautiful songs have very similar chord structures and are easy to play, so they were most likely the first two songs i learned. I took one of my parents' song books to Concordia with me and when I got homesick (which was every day for the first semester!) I'd thumb through and attempt to make myself feel at home with the old music. I really can't even begin to guess how many times and places, that in my years as a pre-member, member, song leader, sunday school teacher, counselor, college student, etc.. i've sung those songs.
So.. last night, when my arms were tired, my fingers were burning and creativity was lackluster, i fell back against my pillows, guitar in hand.. and as i started strumming out "Friends," singing quietly in my room, fifteen years of memories flooded my heart.. starting with the oldest memories of my parents playing, then my brothers, then the years when i was in LYF. Many of my friends, some who didn't even belong to the same church, knew these songs.
I am eternally grateful for all the ways Grace LYF shaped my life, as well as my family, as a child, teen, and college student... and I wish I could give every child what I was blessed with in being a child in that church, with those amazing parents, beautiful friends, camp fires, and the music.. this music. I wish I could share that with everyone. For now, though, I'll sing to myself, in my room, on my bed-on-the-floor, as I travel nurse in Maryland and let my heart float back to all those places its been when i've sung this song...
"and I thank you, I thank you God, for all of my friends...."
Thursday, June 14, 2007
gravity and love
i'm here to rest..
respite..
but the beauty
the greatness
of the ocean
overwhelms me
the sun skips across my skin
to the rhythm of the breeze
which cools me as it swings over the beach
a result of the waves
crashing against the rocks
and brushing onto the shore
the moon attracts the earth..
the earth responds
in her waves
so that every coast
on each continent
of this green earth
feels their relationship
whether or not we acknowledged the cause
we experience the effect
like the reality of a Great love
it is powerful
affecting
incomprehensible
a bond that is unseen
yet felt and understood
every day
in the realities of its existence
my patient said, "we can only fathom God's love like the water in a glass when its really like the water of the ocean in its greatness."
respite..
but the beauty
the greatness
of the ocean
overwhelms me
the sun skips across my skin
to the rhythm of the breeze
which cools me as it swings over the beach
a result of the waves
crashing against the rocks
and brushing onto the shore
the moon attracts the earth..
the earth responds
in her waves
so that every coast
on each continent
of this green earth
feels their relationship
whether or not we acknowledged the cause
we experience the effect
like the reality of a Great love
it is powerful
affecting
incomprehensible
a bond that is unseen
yet felt and understood
every day
in the realities of its existence
my patient said, "we can only fathom God's love like the water in a glass when its really like the water of the ocean in its greatness."
Monday, June 11, 2007
a swelling heart...
oh friends....
thanks to those still checking in with the heart! there's been a lot of ups and downs these last few months, with leaving homes 1 and 2 and starting over in temporary home, ca.
for a few days i withdrew from the world into my new little apartment. i did my best to get out and try things.. and i had fun and enjoyed them, but my heart was aching for st. paul and dewitt. oy.. neighbor bryan commented at one point that i had to run out of tears eventually but it hasn't happened yet! ha!!
about those tears... you see, they aren't tears of sadness as much as tears of overwhelming realization of blessings! i truly love and am grateful for those who've blessed my life by being a part of it.. and seeing almost all of those people within a month has been.. well.. amazing.. so amazing that i cry! i stand in awe....
so i'm starting over and its hard. its good because the CA family is close by and always welcoming. at the same time, i knew i would live a decent drive away from them and at that point i realized it would be good for me... to grow, to make new friends, and as i did in st. paul, make my own home in california.
its going well... my heart still swells when i think of all of you who've touched my life and oft times when that happens, my eyes get all watery.. but God is providing new opportunities, good, bad, and challenging...
the mold continues.
thanks to all for prayers, calls, notes, e-mails, texts, and comments of encouragement.
you people mean the world to me.. i hope you know that!
thanks to those still checking in with the heart! there's been a lot of ups and downs these last few months, with leaving homes 1 and 2 and starting over in temporary home, ca.
for a few days i withdrew from the world into my new little apartment. i did my best to get out and try things.. and i had fun and enjoyed them, but my heart was aching for st. paul and dewitt. oy.. neighbor bryan commented at one point that i had to run out of tears eventually but it hasn't happened yet! ha!!
about those tears... you see, they aren't tears of sadness as much as tears of overwhelming realization of blessings! i truly love and am grateful for those who've blessed my life by being a part of it.. and seeing almost all of those people within a month has been.. well.. amazing.. so amazing that i cry! i stand in awe....
so i'm starting over and its hard. its good because the CA family is close by and always welcoming. at the same time, i knew i would live a decent drive away from them and at that point i realized it would be good for me... to grow, to make new friends, and as i did in st. paul, make my own home in california.
its going well... my heart still swells when i think of all of you who've touched my life and oft times when that happens, my eyes get all watery.. but God is providing new opportunities, good, bad, and challenging...
the mold continues.
thanks to all for prayers, calls, notes, e-mails, texts, and comments of encouragement.
you people mean the world to me.. i hope you know that!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
sandwich humor
has been moved to my "just to keep you updated blog:" http://notesfromlaura.blogspot.com
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
beautiful!!!
i'm editing this a few weeks later.. and i'm gonna pull a seth here ;) if you haven't read the blog just before this one, entitled, "stillness" you should do so before reading on, and it will have much greater meaning! :)
RCIA classes continue on even after we've been confirmed. now we are in the stage mystagogia (we continue to learn about the mysteries of Christ's death and resurrection, sacramental life, living the Gospel in daily life, and how performing works of service for others is a part of the living faith).
last night we reflected on the amazing easter vigil that took place saturday night. randy (our teacher) gave us the hand-out for the night, entitled, "The Lord Descends Into Hell: From an ancient homily on Holy Saturday," and read aloud the following paragraph:
Something strange is happening-- there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silent because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.
WOW! i looked around the room, in shock, wondering if someone read my last blog in which i wrote about the strange peace and stillness i experienced saturday night!!! but no one there knows about my blog... and randy is the person who chooses these hand-outs and there is no way he knows about my blog! wow.. i was amazed.. but not surprised.... God has a funny way of surprising us and bringing comfort, doesn't He? :) sigh..
so just in case you pondered my sanity after reading the last blog.. which is understandable if you did =).. chalk that one up to the Spirit!!!! woo hoo!!! :)
RCIA classes continue on even after we've been confirmed. now we are in the stage mystagogia (we continue to learn about the mysteries of Christ's death and resurrection, sacramental life, living the Gospel in daily life, and how performing works of service for others is a part of the living faith).
last night we reflected on the amazing easter vigil that took place saturday night. randy (our teacher) gave us the hand-out for the night, entitled, "The Lord Descends Into Hell: From an ancient homily on Holy Saturday," and read aloud the following paragraph:
Something strange is happening-- there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silent because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.
WOW! i looked around the room, in shock, wondering if someone read my last blog in which i wrote about the strange peace and stillness i experienced saturday night!!! but no one there knows about my blog... and randy is the person who chooses these hand-outs and there is no way he knows about my blog! wow.. i was amazed.. but not surprised.... God has a funny way of surprising us and bringing comfort, doesn't He? :) sigh..
so just in case you pondered my sanity after reading the last blog.. which is understandable if you did =).. chalk that one up to the Spirit!!!! woo hoo!!! :)
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