A Heart on Fire..

"Last Chance Harvey"

2009-05-16T02:19:00.009-04:00

Perhaps this was the feeling the writer was hoping to elicit, but geeesh! I felt like I was watching someone I loved die a sad, painful death for the first 50 minutes. Maybe its because Dustin looks strikingly similar to my beloved Uncle Tom.. but Harvey was breaking my little heart. To watch this man obsess, awkwardly shuffle around his heart so as to avoid realizing it, to be so uncomfortable in himself that he can hardly stand being alone while his deep aches surface as "distant" "incapable of feeling" and sadly continues to isolate him. brehh.. how very sad that the world is full of aching people, awkwardly shuffling around each other to avoid themselves and even happiness, to an extent.

For some reason I feel the need to write about this movie. Why? I don't know.. because so much was being said with few words. I would hope all people would see these simple truths I picked up on, but I am taking this tiny little corner of the world wide web to process a few things from this movie I only watched because my roommate had it in the DVD player when I got home and sat down to eat.

-that sometimes people need to lose that very thing they're hanging on to.. that one single, unsatisfying, cold, inanimate object or idea or career or relationship to which they're desperately clinging, in order to find freedom.. that will allow them to discover true happiness. hard.. so hard.

-ok ok, there may be the rare occasion in which a man actually had a heart attack or something nearly fatal occurred which prevented him from calling you or showing up or following through. such was the case in this movie, but I hold strong to the fact that 98% of the time, you're just getting blown off. it sucks.. and it shouldn't happen but its true and it does.

-"he's in stationary? I love stationary." that we women-folk have the occasional tendency to cling to any random given fact about potential man that might make him the perfect man for us. So the line "oh computers... not stationary" is much more than a comment, it is a big let-down because the solitary proverbial stationary has been taken away.

ah.. that people are hurting. of course we know this.. but this movie flashes it boldly in front of us again.. the most difficult people to be around, to love, to understand.. are those who probably need all it (love, hugs, compassion, understanding, grace) the most.... i hate this fact, but it is so entirely true. I hope people who watch this movie get that if they didn't already. if we could all just understand each other, the stories, who we are and how we got here, we'd all be a little less angry and a little more open to loving and a lot happier. "you see the lines upon my face, tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don't mean anything, when you've got no one, to tell them to, its true..." Brandie Carlile "The Story"

I guess Harvey didn't "figure it out in time," to save his younger years, given the divorce and years of misery, but how is it that when he's in his 50's.. err 60's, when he loses his job, has almost completely lost his daughter, he figures it out- what matters, how to fight for it.. how to take the chance..... even when his job, his only almost-quasi-triumph is re-offered to him, he finally sees its unworthiness, its inability to provide him happiness if not the opposite and denies it. why does it take so long for people to figure it out?? i guess pride? pain? confusion.. ignoring your conscious? i guess its easier to bury disappointment, hurt, pain then it is to look it in the eyes, dance with it a while, and gracefully step out of the ball of misery before it becomes the dance of your life at which you're hiding in the corner.. scared, unhappy, and lonely.... with an empty dance card.

And the hard, cold reality of broken hearts.. my favorite quote of the movie, "you see, I think what it is.. is.. i'm more comfortable with [used to] being disappointed... i think i'm angry with you for trying to take that way."

Good movie, unexpected thoughtful evening...

a lenten faith battle

2008-03-18T21:30:00.010-04:00

July 1st, 2003:

My good friend Jacob gave me a book called, "The Case for Christ," by Lee Strobel. I never read it. I didn't need someone to present facts to me to give me a reason to believe in Christ, I already knew what I needed to know.

Despite this fact, that book has traveled with me and found a home on my shelves ever since.

**************************

March 18th, 2008

One thing I have come to learn about myself in my early adult years, is that my heart is constantly drawn to religion.. to practicing, to learning, to questioning, growing, believing, to sharing, etc. I always seem to desire to learn more and share it, if others are interested. In fact, I don't think anyone (or I, at least) could learn enough! There's always someone else with another question to answer, another angle to consider, or another belief to understand. In fact, it was this very desire to learn that lead me on a quest for answers that ultimately lead to my joining the Catholic church. I prayed, read books, read the Bible, asked questions, spoke with priests, pastors, roommates, and many devout and beautiful people of both the Lutheran and Catholic churches.

My research certainly wasn't as thorough as others' research has been, but I let those people who spent years and years seeking answers tell me what they'd found by reading their books and testimonies. It was an amazing journey.. with many ups and downs. It felt like a long time to me, but it was only the last year that was really challenging as it was during that year that I started to admit to people that my heart was finding answers in the Catholic faith.. it was humbling, confusing, and scary. Thank goodness, most all supportive, whether they completely understood my reasoning or not. In fact, my dad wrote to me: "It doesn't really matter what any of us think. This is a matter of your faith, your love for Our Savior." I could cry all over again, but that's just a trinket of the great support I received from my loved ones. :) I even got a flower corsage from the CA fam! Anyway, moving along..

aw.. let's add a picture! This pic is of myself, Jill (who was my past roommate, dear friend, and now, sponsor) with our good friends, Ben and Lucy's daughters on the night of my confirmation last year.. ooo.. which was one church-year ago this Saturday!

After I joined the church, I had found a deep peace and was ready to settle into Catholicism. No more struggle, just enjoy the graces, right? Well, that didn't quite work out.. of course not. Why would it? Would evil stop pursuing my heart? Stop challenging my faith?

A few weeks ago I was perusing the book store at the Newark airport with my girlfriends, while we waiting for our boarding time before heading to Aruba. Out of nowhere, this book caught my eye: "A History of God," by Karen Armstrong. "Of course," I thought to myself... I'm supposed to be going on a fun, relaxing vacation and I find a big, fat, hard-cover book about God. Even though I normally go for the light-hearted, don't-have-to-think, just-enjoy fiction whilst traveling.. I always seem to be drawn to books about God. This book especially piqued my interest as the writer had once been a nun, had a bunch of degrees :)and now taught Islam. "Perfect!" I thought to myself, "an interesting perspective and information about how three religions were born from one God!" I always wanted to further delve into the of Islam and Judaism being of the same roots. Perhaps its the missionary desire of my heart that draws me to anything that might help me understand what other people believe to be "God." I figure it must be good to understand something if you're going to say you don't believe it? Rather than reject an idea you don't understand? Or understand what other people believe if you're going to converse with them about what you believe? Does that make sense?

Either way, I knew what I was reading on my vacation:

So much for light-hearted! I started reading the book on the way to Aruba and it didn't take long or much reading between the lines before I could sense what direction she would be going. It was clear she wouldn't be trying to send people to Jesus. I shrugged it off, assuming that knowing her perspective in the beginning would assure my ability to objectively consume her information and digest it without changing my previously established beliefs.

Well, 2 weeks of some serious struggle later, I can tell you I was wrong. It was clear to me that the author was extremely intelligent, well-studied, and offering what appeared to be a great deal factual information. Actually, much of it, I'm sure is fairly factual but I got so caught up in wanting to learn and remember what she was writing, that I forgot to absorb it objectivity, to an extent, and started to mistake everything for fact. This became an issue in the third chapter where she quickly de-deidizes Jesus (totally made that word up.. makes Jesus not divine) making him nothing but a mere healer of the Jewish faith whose humble death clearly indicates he is no God. Meanwhile, the first two meaty chapter were all about how the God we follow now was one of many gods who managed to wipe out all of the other pagan gods/godesses with war and destruction. yikes.. I mean, sure I'd read about many of these stories but the background on the pagan beliefs and gods I had never before considered.

There is really no way for me to explain the depths to which she goes in three chapters.. nor how deep this all wounded my heart and most of these thoughts never left the safety of my heart, but I was struggling, deeply, for the first time ever. I didn't think the Bible was going to provide the answers I needed because it was clearly partial to one side. I didn't know what would.

So, I e-mailed my Old Testament professor from college, Monday night.. knowing he'd never remember me.. (I was actually very quiet in this class believe it or not ;), but I couldn't think of anyone more passionate and knowledgeable of the Old Testament, than him.

The e-mail I sent was fairly short. I didn't get into much detail only mentioning that my faith had been shaken like never before and I wondered if he'd read this book by Armstrong or if he'd heard of her. I figured he'd must of heard of her work and hoped he'd have something to say that would slice her words in the achilles.. but he hadn't heard of her. His e-mail response wasn't exactly what I needed but then again, I hadn't given him much information about where my heart really was or what this writer was all about.

I knew what I could do.. I needed to grab that stupid book (stupid as in its been annoyingly staring at me this whole time begging to be read) gifted to me from my dearest Jake, and start reading.

How annoyed was I that I actually had to read it, but that was just it, I knew I had to. So to the gym we went, me, my shaken faith and Strobel, "Come on, Stroble, give me hope!" Strobel was a journalist with a law degree, and an atheist. His wife became a Christian and as he noticed the changes in her life, he had to investigate this Jesus thing. He writes, in the intro: "Setting aside my self-interest and prejudices as best I could, I read books, interviewed experts, asked questions, analyzed history, explored archaeology, studied ancient literature, and for the first time in my life picked apart the Bible, verse by verse. I plunged into the case with more vigor than with any story I ever pursued. I applied the training I had received at Yale Law School as well as my experience as legal affairs editor of the Chicago Tribune."

"So here we go.." I thought, as I set the book down to take my coat and sweatshirt off at the gym. As I hung them on the rack, someone walking by caught my eye. My priest!!! My priest was at the gym again! I'd seen him one other time, months ago and since he was moved to another parish, I hadn't seen him since. I looked down at the book and felt extremely reassured. Here was a man who'd given his entire life to Christ, to bringing people to Christ. And this man, he is a cool-cat of a priest! He is this hip, good-looking, masculine, athletic, intelligent (I'd gone to several discussion/question-and-answer forums/groups he'd led), well-spoken, Baltimorian native. I didn't know if he'd seen me or even if he would remember me, so I didn't say anything but just soaked up the peace I felt in his presence. It was a great moment.

Then, I hopped on the bike and started reading. I read as fast as I could, anxious to get to something that would help inform me, give me facts, help renew my trust. (I know you must be wondering, "but what about faith, Laura!! that's what faith is!?" I can't explain it.. like I said earlier, I cannot begin to explain how Armstrong's book sucked me in and spit my faith out... but it did)

Eventually I'm on the elliptical, reading and working out vigorously (I think my angst gave me an energy boost!). In the middle of Strobel's second chapter and first interview with Craig Bloomberg where he's questioning the reliability of the four gospels, Bloomberg starts to explain something and refers to the title Jesus most often called himself, "Son of Man." But Strobel interrupts him..

"Hold on.." Reaching into my briefcase, I pulled out a book and leafed through it until i located the quote I was looking for. "Karen Armstrong, the former nun who wrote the best-seller "A History of God"...

THERE IT WAS!!!!! Right then and there I knew EXACTLY what Strobel was going to say next.

"...she [Karen Armstrong] said, it seems that the term, 'Son of Man' simply stressed the weakness and mortality of the human condition,' so by using it, Jesus was merely emphasizing that 'he was a frail human being who would one day suffer and die.' If that's true," I said, "that doesn't sound like much of a claim to deity."

I was elated. My extremities literally stopped moving and the elliptical slowed. I smiled at the book, bowed my head, and gave myself the sign of the cross, right then and there. I'm pretty sure I even "yayyy!" under my breath! ;) How perfect! How perfect that he was questioning Bloomberg with the very same words of Armstrong's convincing writing! ahh... I almost didn't care if I kept reading because I knew Strobel's outcome was faith in Christ.. I knew he eventually converted to Christianity and knowing that he researched to a deeper extent than the mere three disturbing chapters of Armstrong and still came to believe.. that was enough of an answer in and of itself. It was a beautiful moment at the gym for Laura! ;)

But I kept reading anyway. I think the next part is fantastic, so I'm going to share with you how Bloomberg responded to Strobel:

"Bloomberg's expression turned sour. 'Look,' he said firmly, 'contrary to popular belief, 'Son of Man' does not primarily refer to Jesus' humanity. Instead, it's a direct allusion to Daniel 7:13-14.'"

With that he opened the Old Testament and read those words of the prophet Daniel: 'In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. he approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence. He was given authority, glory and sovereign power; all peoples, nations and men of every language worshiped him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed.'

Bloomberg shut the Bible. 'So look at what Jesus is doing by applying the term Son of Man to himself... this is someone who approaches God himself in his heavenly throne room and is given universal authority and dominion. That makes the 'Son of Man' a title of great exaltation, not of mere humanity.'"

So.. there you have it. I'm sure, if you've made it this far, you've read enough and are ready to be done! ;) So I'll leave it at this.. I'm thankful to have had this time of struggle, if no other time than during lent, if only to better appreciate the resurrection, faith, trust, all while having gained a deeper understanding of the history of God and.. something that finally made me read "The Case for Christ." Although, I think its perfect that I hadn't read it until now and yet carried it with me from MN to CA to IA to MD. And just like many of the other blessings I couldn't even ignore during this time of struggle, as many of the gifts from God, this book and I bonded at just the right time.

Thanks for reading.. and for caring.

Much love

lkm

today

2008-01-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

two blogs in one day! crazy... on my notes blog i mentioned at the end how i would be escaping the sounds of pavement deconstruction by sneaking off to a coffee shop.. i did indeed do this.. and I landed at Spoons.

Spoons is perhaps one of my favorite places in Federal Hill.. (I'm starting to sound like a baltimore review blog). Its colorful, clean, with a slight twist of funk.. just the way i like things! A few pieces big antique wooden furniture, varied types of seating, a brightly painted (though fading) retired carousel horse stuck in a corner entrancing children, a few beautiful chinese lanterns hanging about, and of course, a spoon hanging amongst some glittery stars from the ceiling.

I imagine that should I ever have the opportunity to open a restaurant or coffee shop, this is just what I would hope it to look like. ANNND... almost everything they use and do is environmentally friendly, from their food to their cleaning supplies! So, once in a while, on a weekday off, i like to convince myself that fresh blueberry and granola pancakes are good for me and I go sit in this little cafe for hours, reading or typing, sipping a latte (served in a mug which seems hard to come by these days), having some grub, observing my surroundings, and appreciating... well, appreciating life, i suppose.

Today it was fairly empty as I once again made the mistake of sitting on the uncomfortable but oh-so-appealing red, patent leather couch. No so good for people watching, but great for reading. Then after a while, a young mom came in with her infant daughter and toddler son... and something happened in me. I wanted to jump off the couch and embrace these children. Of course I didn't :) but I really wanted to.. I watched the little boy playing with the disappointing elmo-in-a-box that wouldn't reveal elmo.. and i just loved it. I guess for most of my life, I just assumed my love for children was just that natural sort of female emotion, but its different today. And for the first time, I'm realizing how much I miss children when I don't get to spend time with them.. and how much I long to someday... someday.. be a mother.

After a while of being the only mom-and-child combo in the cafe, her lunch companions start pouring in.. mom after mom, with their bulky strollers, car seats, baby bags, and infants. All the other moms had infants. So, now its just me, the moms, and their babies. Of course.. as if two children weren't enough of a reminder that I have none.

I only looked up once in a while but I wondered how old they were.. they looked older than I feel and each of them looked beautiful, well-dressed, hair done, make-up perfect. ha.. and there's me, sitting on the couch in my hipster hat, hoodie, laceless shoes, makeup-less skin and tangled locks.. was it because they had children that made me feel young in their presence? Or were they actually older? Would I dress differently when I became a mom? Would I cut my hair off, start dressing up to go to the coffee shop, or stop wearing hoodies and start shopping at J.Jill? Gosh, I hope not!

Thankfully an adorable hippie-ish, young mom came in (not for the lunch date) to get a latte.. she had her baby resting on her chest in her baby bjorn. yay... :) and though I was still impressed by her ability to have dolled herself up for a trip down cross street, she definitely maintained her funkiness and she seemed to glow..

Now, I'm a big believer in appreciating whatever stage of life one is in and I am incredibly thankful for the many opportunities I've had as a single gal in the working world, but I couldn't help but crave motherhood today, as I watched these women interact with their children, their innocence, the way they can't say L's or R's, their little hands learning with all they do and experience, their soft and unblemished skin, their sweet spirits that haven't yet been broken.. the hope for their future, and the symbol, the reality, the product of love that they are.

What emotion children bring out in me, I'm not exactly sure, but I do know that something about them, their spirits, perhaps, reaches into a certain part of my soul and bring it to life.

And I recall my own days of childhood, when I once wrote in my Hello Kitty diary, that when I grew up, I wanted to be a mom. So, now, in my online quasi-journaling, I'd like to say, "When I grow up, I want to be mom.. but I hope I don't grow up too much."

;-)

stillness revised

2007-11-20T00:28:00.000-05:00

tonight my roommate and i had a fantastic conversation about confirmation, Catholicism, religion, homosexuality, etc., etc, i told her the story of my holy saturday experience.. so i wanted to re-read the blog entry i'd written about it and when i re-read it, my knee jerk reaction was, as it always is, "i could have articulated myself much better than i did!" So, since its probably one of the most spiritual moments i've had, i figured it worthy of better articulation:

Stillness

(an experience on Holy Saturday).

at first i thought

i was only running

keeping up

the pace of life

and that i was only fatigued

but at the last moment

i realized..

that i don't know where i am

that the world is an angry noise

screaming in my ears

sin and hatred

pound down upon my heart

like the heavy, chilling rain

that penetrates the soul

and every bone in the body

i realize the wind

that has been lashing around me

in circles

trying to stop me

its all become so vivid

my senses aware

i'm about to stop

i'm about to break

to fall on my knees

in anguish

i can't keep up

i can't keep running

but as the storm climaxes

the final thunder is about to quake the earth

i stop

i breathe

and there is silence

the world around me is spinning, but i am still.

there is noise, but i cannot hear it

i am silent.

i am surrounded by peaceful stillness.

i am taking it all in

i don't know what is happening,

or why...

but i await

in tears of relief

in silent peace,

the future....

(i wrote this on my blog one afternoon the week after Easter, and that night, at confirmation, the following words were read to our class by our teacher, who knew not of my blog, mind you):

Something strange is happening-- there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silent because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.

Its an excerpt from "The Lord Descends Into Hell: an ancient homily on Holy Saturday."

friends and dear Jesus..

2007-11-12T22:58:00.000-05:00

recently, i've been attempting to play the guitar again. I was pretty bummed when i got to Baltimore, via car, and realized that i could have brought my guitar along since i'd driven, but had instead, walked right by it a dozen times at my parents home and left without it. When I got to my house here, though, I was quite excited to find that my roommate's girlfriend left her guitar here while she was in grad school up north, they're both totally generous and don't care at all if i play it.. so I do!

I'm not a horrible guitarist. I mean, I'm slightly more skilled than Phoebe, but I more than pale in comparison to my eldest brother! ;) I prefer picking over strumming and i can follow along with the tablatures on the internet for some of my favorite artists (over the rhine, ben harper, etc). But... more often than any other song I've ever attempted to play, I know I've played "Friends" and "Dear Jesus" twice as much. If you're a past Grace-camper you know exactly what i mean.. if you're not, you'll have to read on!

I grew up at a Lutheran church in small-town Iowa, that had an incredibly strong and active youth group. My parents, who had learned to play guitar while my dad was in the Air Force in SD, became counselors of the youth group in 1983 and helped lead music for NYG's, summer camp, winter camp, Sunday school, choirs, Bible school, vespers, etc.

Life in the LYF was a family affair! My older brothers were members soon they were helping lead music, as well. My younger brother and I got to tag along to summer camp since the rest of our family was there, and hang out with the few other younger kids around... and those are some of my favorite childhood memories. It was like having a hundred older siblings who loved, cared for, played with, and protected me.

Anyway, back to the guitar.. I do believe that my parents random decision in the mid 70's to learn guitar has had a lasting affect on the rest of the entire family. Their involvement in the youth program shaped our childhood, and all four of us have also learned to play guitar to some degree, granted, we range (widely) in ability. Nonetheless I find it completely beautiful that all of us have somehow or another, tried to play the instrument we watched our parents play together as we grew up.

There was one music book the youth group used.. it was blue plastic/vinyl cover with 100-some pages of songs. We sang often, morning devos, evening vespers, Bible studies, etc.. and we generally sang the same 20 or so songs but we always closed the gathering with the two songs, "Friends" and "Dear Jesus."

These two beautiful songs have very similar chord structures and are easy to play, so they were most likely the first two songs i learned. I took one of my parents' song books to Concordia with me and when I got homesick (which was every day for the first semester!) I'd thumb through and attempt to make myself feel at home with the old music. I really can't even begin to guess how many times and places, that in my years as a pre-member, member, song leader, sunday school teacher, counselor, college student, etc.. i've sung those songs.

So.. last night, when my arms were tired, my fingers were burning and creativity was lackluster, i fell back against my pillows, guitar in hand.. and as i started strumming out "Friends," singing quietly in my room, fifteen years of memories flooded my heart.. starting with the oldest memories of my parents playing, then my brothers, then the years when i was in LYF. Many of my friends, some who didn't even belong to the same church, knew these songs.

I am eternally grateful for all the ways Grace LYF shaped my life, as well as my family, as a child, teen, and college student... and I wish I could give every child what I was blessed with in being a child in that church, with those amazing parents, beautiful friends, camp fires, and the music.. this music. I wish I could share that with everyone. For now, though, I'll sing to myself, in my room, on my bed-on-the-floor, as I travel nurse in Maryland and let my heart float back to all those places its been when i've sung this song...

"and I thank you, I thank you God, for all of my friends...."

your bill

2007-10-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

its an exaggeration. no worries, i was having fun when i wrote it.. sorry mom!

i've come up with some numbers
i think you'll agree
its really just quite
a small little fee..
75 dollars for my ticket to fly
'cross the country to play
into your little white lie
I made you a chance,
plenty chances to say
how you really felt
before flying your way

you said there was nothing
bothering you
in your arms, i was wanted
i wanted it, too,
but when i arrived
you weren't
really there
though you pretended, right down
to the spiky, gelled hair

Now suddenly my fees
have gone up like a wave
and there's a few more things
i'll expect you to pay..
cause i got home
there were even more tears
stomach ache, heart ache,
and plenty of beers.
so really, you owe me
for all of those, too
as i wouldn't have had them
if is wasn't for you

and if i were suing,
I'd have to include
the damage you caused
to my usual good mood
sad and discouraged
for almost a week
my limbs were numb
my chest was weak
but oh, don't you worry
cause i finally rose
the floor felt foreign
to my well-rested toes
got myself out of the front door,
a walk to the port
my new friend, McHenry,
its time to explore

i got to the port
but my heart weighed me down
so upon a nice bench
i laid my sad frown
asking for answers
wondering why
as a tear raced down
from my watering eyes
into my ear
the tear
made its way
then into my my headphone it
went astray
then when i stood up,
my feet on the ground
i realized that tear
had ruined the sound

so i guess what i mean,
what i want you to do
is pay for my headphones
cause you ruined them, too
the beer, the coffee
food down the drain
emotional, physical,
and spiritual pain
this all adds up
to a little bit more
than a ticket to fly
from ol' Baltimore

gravity and love

2007-06-14T20:33:00.000-04:00

i'm here to rest..
respite..
but the beauty
the greatness
of the ocean
overwhelms me
the sun skips across my skin
to the rhythm of the breeze
which cools me as it swings over the beach
a result of the waves
crashing against the rocks
and brushing onto the shore

the moon attracts the earth..
the earth responds
in her waves
so that every coast
on each continent
of this green earth
feels their relationship
whether or not we acknowledged the cause
we experience the effect
like the reality of a Great love
it is powerful
affecting
incomprehensible
a bond that is unseen
yet felt and understood
every day
in the realities of its existence

my patient said, "we can only fathom God's love like the water in a glass when its really like the water of the ocean in its greatness."

a swelling heart...

2007-06-11T05:05:00.001-04:00

oh friends....

thanks to those still checking in with the heart! there's been a lot of ups and downs these last few months, with leaving homes 1 and 2 and starting over in temporary home, ca.

for a few days i withdrew from the world into my new little apartment. i did my best to get out and try things.. and i had fun and enjoyed them, but my heart was aching for st. paul and dewitt. oy.. neighbor bryan commented at one point that i had to run out of tears eventually but it hasn't happened yet! ha!!

about those tears... you see, they aren't tears of sadness as much as tears of overwhelming realization of blessings! i truly love and am grateful for those who've blessed my life by being a part of it.. and seeing almost all of those people within a month has been.. well.. amazing.. so amazing that i cry! i stand in awe....

so i'm starting over and its hard. its good because the CA family is close by and always welcoming. at the same time, i knew i would live a decent drive away from them and at that point i realized it would be good for me... to grow, to make new friends, and as i did in st. paul, make my own home in california.

its going well... my heart still swells when i think of all of you who've touched my life and oft times when that happens, my eyes get all watery.. but God is providing new opportunities, good, bad, and challenging...

the mold continues.

thanks to all for prayers, calls, notes, e-mails, texts, and comments of encouragement.

you people mean the world to me.. i hope you know that!

sandwich humor

2007-05-01T01:30:00.000-04:00

has been moved to my "just to keep you updated blog:" http://notesfromlaura.blogspot.com

beautiful!!!

2007-04-11T17:45:00.001-04:00

i'm editing this a few weeks later.. and i'm gonna pull a seth here ;) if you haven't read the blog just before this one, entitled, "stillness" you should do so before reading on, and it will have much greater meaning! :)

RCIA classes continue on even after we've been confirmed. now we are in the stage mystagogia (we continue to learn about the mysteries of Christ's death and resurrection, sacramental life, living the Gospel in daily life, and how performing works of service for others is a part of the living faith).

last night we reflected on the amazing easter vigil that took place saturday night. randy (our teacher) gave us the hand-out for the night, entitled, "The Lord Descends Into Hell: From an ancient homily on Holy Saturday," and read aloud the following paragraph:

Something strange is happening-- there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silent because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.

WOW! i looked around the room, in shock, wondering if someone read my last blog in which i wrote about the strange peace and stillness i experienced saturday night!!! but no one there knows about my blog... and randy is the person who chooses these hand-outs and there is no way he knows about my blog! wow.. i was amazed.. but not surprised.... God has a funny way of surprising us and bringing comfort, doesn't He? :) sigh..

so just in case you pondered my sanity after reading the last blog.. which is understandable if you did =).. chalk that one up to the Spirit!!!! woo hoo!!! :)

stillness

2007-04-09T18:11:00.001-04:00

life has come to a strange and peaceful halt. i was feeling the force of evil weighing in on me during this time of lent and of personal questioning, searching, and transition.

it felt like noise.

it felt like i had been running, unknowingly... and noise was pounding in on me, constantly pulling at me, trying to break me. when i realized i was running, i felt, in my weakness, as though I couldn't continue the run while fighting this strange and vague burden of gravity. But... just when i was feeling the noise to a degree in which i've never before experienced, as it was about to bring me to my knees, a breaking point, it stopped..

my world stopped.

the world around me is spinning..

but i am still.

there is noise, but i cannot hear it, i am silent.

i am surrounded by peaceful stillness.

i am taking it all in

i don't know exactly what is happening, or why...

but i await

in tears of relief

in silent peace,

the future....

growing wings..

2007-03-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got the phone call that everything.. everything.. is official. I'm officially a travel nurse traveling to california to begin my position on June 4th. i'm officially leaving the city i've called home for 8 years.

and tears well up in my eyes..

my heart is aching...

I know! I'm crazy, absolutely silly! I haven't even started packing, yet I'm futuristically mourning. I have two months to enjoy, to embrace this amazing town and the people in it before I move, but the uncertainty of if and when I'll ever live here again is.... well, its daunting.

the tears are falling now..

i can barely articulate the wealth of memories that have left me passionately in love with a city, because of the people i've met whilst in it, i've lived. :)

I may have been raised in DeWitt, but I grew up... in St. Paul. I didn't realize, when I moved into Luther 2North, on August 22, 1999 (thanks, ing, life is praise!), how young I was, how much I had to learn, how many adventures lied ahead. I cried the day I moved in, when i said goodbye to Mom, Dad, and Dylan .. and as I watched them drive away.

I cried a lot...

In fact, I continued to cry every day for the entire first semester!! I was not a fan of college. It was far from my beautiful (and large) family.. from the friends that I'd known since childhood, and far from the boy I thought I would marry!! When I walked through the halls at CSP, I felt like the world had turned its back on me, for the lack of "hi!! "hello!! how are you?!" as it had been high school. No one knew who I was, no one could pronounce my last name.. A name that, in DeWitt and the surrounding towns, everyone knew.. sometimes a blessing, other times a curse! but this was the time in life when I realized how endearing it was to have roots that run deep and how amazing small communities are!

I felt like a minnow in an ocean, lost and alone. I begged my mom to let me quit and move home after my first semester when I was back for break, but she wouldn't let me. =) I needed to "get the full college experience." She somehow caught wind of the spring play auditions for The Rimers of Eldrich," and encouraged me to try out.. So I did, and I got a part, "lena." ha.. ironically, this dark and twisted play was the beginning of my falling in love with Concordia and St. Paul. :) I grew into a fish.. and along with my fellow once-minnows, began to find my way around this crazy big ocean... that has since become like a shore of safety. I've never looked back with anything but amazement, thankfulness, delight, and nostalgia. Thanks mom.. and my fellow once-minnows! :)

So, it seems its time. I suspect that God has a lot to teach me in California, and beyond... I know that a beautiful community of people await my arrival. I know that I'll forever be grateful for having an opportunity to once again live in the same state as one of my dearest friends. I know it won't be easy, in ways i cannot yet imagine, but I trust that as God always has, He will bless this adventure and continue to mold my heart, my life, my soul, into what it is He desires.

So.. its time for Laura to spread her grown-up wings..

but watch out for the falling of tears.

side note..

2007-03-20T23:03:00.000-04:00

i'm not sure how to find all of you who've found me.. but thanks for the support and feedback... and for checking in!!! blogging certainly isn't my forte.. i'm not even sure how to add you all as "links." any tips?

the journey continues...

2007-03-12T23:57:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I've written... or looked at this blog. Time for an update, I suppose. In the midst of much contemplation, research, discussion, prayer, seeking, guidance, etc.. I've continued to realize that my heart is finding its home in the Catholic church. Its been an amazingly trying three years, with periods of feeling torn and times of embracing life as a Catholic-Lutheran. And now as I face the decision that needs to be made, though there have been things that have troubled me in regards to other peoples' perceptions of the catholic church, I am sure of what rings true in my heart and that, i am unable to deny. So, it is indeed official! I have decided to convert to Catholicism this Easter Vigil. Wow.. even after all of these years and discussions.. its still sounds a little crazy. Either way, anyone is welcome to attend the vigil the night before Easter, where myself and the others I've been taking RCIA classes with, will be confirmed. Thank you to all of you who have accompanied me on this journey, in prayer, discussion, encouragement, concern, etc..... it certainly hasn't been an easy road.. but your true companionship is greatly appreciated.

So.. I noticed in looking back on these blogs, that I never finished the story that I started in the "why catholic" post. :) I started to tell the Story about the catholic boy i dated for a few weeks who mentioned RCIA to me. ha! I scoffed at the mention of it.. and now, 3 years later, I find myself completing the class. what was so interesting, actually, i don't know if this had even happened when i started that blog.. but for RCIA, we had a service during mass called the Rite of Welcoming. At this service, the chuch officially welcomes us. We are prayed for, prayed over, and presented a Catholic Bible. Just before that service started, I walked to the back of the church to find my place in line. As I made my way back, who should I run into? None other than the catholic boy I had dated.. of whom I previously written. :) He was shocked to see me there.. and I him! But a sincerely large smile covered my face as I told him what I was doing at that church service. As a side note.. this wasn't even the church he normally atteneded. I was so excited to see him.. just because he planted a seed. He gave me a hug and said he'd be praying for me.. it was great.

Much love to you, my friends, during this Lenten season...

Feb 1! Another Start- a new outlook!!

2007-02-01T10:47:00.001-05:00

ah lindsey... you're a beautiful blessing in my life. thank you for the great conversation, for caring, for pushing, for growing, for demonstrating a beautiful kind of love. :)

so, i need a mini, portable book carrier.. lol.. no, not a bookbag.. a shelf on wheels. i try to put my books in order on the shelving behind my bed, but then i want to search through them, almost daily, they end up slung all over my couch.. well, all over the studio, in general. =)

from God Calling:

Feb 1: Another Start

Take courage. Do not fear. Start a new life tomorrow. Put the old mistakes away, and start anew. I give you a fresh start. Be not burdened. Be not anxious. If My forgiveness were for the righteous only, and those who had not sinned, where would be its need?

Remember as I said, "To whom much is forgiven, the same loveth much."

Why do you fret and worry so? I wait to give you all that is lovely, but your lives are soiled with worry and fret. You would crush My treasures. I can only bless glad, thankful hearts.

You must be glad and joyful.

So all things Catholic, eh? I do believe that God works through every denomination. Despite that I am sad about the fact that we do exist in a divided church and the implications that makes or question it call forth, I am grateful for varying denominations or even styles of worship (ie., house of mercy), as they all seem to reach and nourish the alike and varying people. Like we concluded last night, this is my journey. This is God showing Christ to me, more vividly every day. I feel called to find answers, spurred by the questions of my agnostic friends, Lutheran friends, Catholic friends, my own questions, and what I must assume is the Spirit!! :) In this search for answers, I feel I've been led to this point in which I'm at. The frustration lies in several places. 1) my lack of ability to recall all of the information I've learned.. theres just so much, but at times, i literally stumble upon my own words trying to recall what I learned and what made perfect sense months or years ago. This tells me that I need to review things I learn a bit more. :) 2)Trying to share with those who want to understand where i'm at, without implying that they are "wrong." learning to communicate in a way in which is open while still being true to what I do believe.

One of my friends, who calls forth many thoughtful questions, often times starts a little e-mail discussion with myself and another friend, Katie. Katie is an amazing young woman. She works for a Catholic orginzation in Duluth. Katie is at an understanding of her faith, that I hope to at someday. Not only is her knowldege and understanding deep and real, her way of conveying it, is filled with grace, openness, and poise. So, though I haven't officially obtained her permission.. I share with you something she wrote in our last e-mail discussion:

"...it is not nessacarily wrong in my opinion for any religion to think that they are right, otherwise they would be converting to relativism and really believing in nothing. So doctrinely a religion has to defend it's rightness or it doesn't have a base on which to stand. My priest put it like this, "All religions have some element of the Truth, the are searching for the Truth." but obviously being a priest in the Catholic Church meant that to him, the Church was the most "Truth" that you could find on earth. At an ecumenical council that was called a few years ago in response to a controversial Catholic document, Dominus Iesus, an assemblies of God minister said about the Catholic Church, "As I read the document it says two things. First, that Jesus Christ is the way to salvation for the entire human race. I believe that completely, and I thought every other Christain did too. Second, that the Catholic Church believes that It is the unique means of putting the human race in contact with Christ and His Gospel. I do not believe that, which is why I'm not Catholic. And if a Catholic does not believe that, I don't know why he's still a Catholic. I happen to believe that about the Assemblies of God, which is why I'm a member." This document was very important because even though it did assert that the Church was the way to salvation, it did not say that other religions were evil, it did not say that other Christians cannot be saved, and it did not say that non-Christians cannot be saved.

That said, one of the most amazing parts of Pope John Paul's pontificate, was his commitment to ecumenic understanding. In his encyclicals, he wrote about common themes that religions share to build interrelgious dialogue. One of these things is prayer and for Christians, baptism. He was also a huge advocate for religious freedom so that each person could freely chose to follow his own heart. At Vatican II, basic statements on inter religious dialogue (which the pope also took special interest in) were affirmed for the entire Catholic Community. In accordance with the belief that all religions think that they are right, an apostolic exhortation was written, Evangelii Nuntiandi, in which it was said that the Church rejects nothing that is true and holy in other religions, that religions are committed to answering the fundamental questions of life, and (as the Church sees it) preperation for the Gospel written on people's hearts. St. Thomas Aquianas felt that this preperation was for something that we on earth could not fully understand, and that God would make it possible for all people to choose to follow Him, whether on this earth or not,. The Council Fathers at Vatican II made it known that all religions, through "creed, code and cult, strive to lead human beings to respond to the promtings of the natural law and the innate desire for union with the Supreme Being." They gave special approval to Buddists and Hindus, on account of their antiquity, spiritual values and large numbers of followers. Also commended were Islam for their shared beliefs in the prophets and one God, and Judaism for what is know as "spiritual brotherhood" recognizing the roots of our religion coming from theirs.

Basically, no one is condemning anyone to Hell, because we are all on a quest for the Truth which we will never find in this lifetime and I think that it is important for churches to recognize that. But, due to the nature of religion, it is not wrong to think that you are right. Like right now, you think that you are right and Jonathan is wrong and that's good, because like Laura said it will bring you two closer together through communication. That's the point of inter religious dialogue, communication to better understand the Truth. The Church calls means to salvation "grace." "Salvation in Christ is accessible by virtue of a grace which, while having a mysterious relationship to the Church, does not make them formally part of the Church, but enlightens them in a way which is accommadated to their spiritual and material situation. This grace comes from Christ; it is the result of his sacrifice and is communicated by the Holy Spirit." In other words, the theologians don't know how grace works, so we know it's through the grace of God, but not how or why or who, so how can we condemn those who believe differently?"

anyway.. that's probably enough to digest for now..

much love,
l

great resource

2007-01-24T17:04:00.000-05:00

http://www.chnetwork.org/

a great resource for lots more info.. there's a link for conversion stories or factual links.. about the theological/doctrinal differences of protestantism and catholicism.

the eucharist

2007-01-24T11:43:00.000-05:00

last night, I had dinner at the old house on Winifred with Jill and Liz. It was great. Liz asked how the RCIA process/class was going. I was expressing to them how difficult it is for me to explain to family/friends why i see myself converting, because i've learned so much in all of my reading and classes and conversations that its merely impossible to reiterate in a 5 minute response, or even if i had all the time in the world.. i could never re-explain all of the amazing explations, history, facts, etc.. that i've read and learned. liz said, so simply, "Do you ever just explain how you feel?" how great is that? it was a beautiful moment. so when i think of it that way i think...

i have felt called to something. to explore, defintely.. to search... more. i've felt as though something has been missing for a long time.. since i really started to care, i think. in my 6 years of attending churches on my own and searching out a home congregation.. something was always lacking for me. i thought it was just the red hymnal!!!! :) but i finally found a church that used the red hymnal. i greatly appreciated this small LCMS church with its high church reverence.. but still something missing. i then attributed it to the lack of community in the congregation as i had attended a few things i thought might bring makes me feel at home in a community. nope. church after church. while helping with steve's youth in hudson, i attended there a few times throughout the year. something missing. reverence? the fact that steve could be the pastor for the day and give communion. craziness! though it was sweet and endearing, it seemed off and i hesistate to say this, but somewhat disrespectful of that sacrement. :-/

then linds asked me to help with WLC. that has been amazing and full of blessings.. all of the beauty of being with kids, watcing a dear friend teach, getting to know her life there.. joel, derrek, pastor ben, genesis worship, mission trip, deep impact, etc. i found myself smitten with the genesis worship though i was still uncomfortable with style of music. i'd actually show up 20 minutes late so i could arrive just in time for one of pastor ben's amazing sermons while missing the first set of songs! :-/ eventually, the music grew on me a bit, and after the mission trip i definitely felt a part of this community.. but STILL!!! something was missing. i figured it was just me, but in the back of my mind, for the last 3 years i've been pondering this whole Catholicism deal. its been a slow, slow process.. a few things revealed at a time.. all in all.. its been sending me to learn. figure out why i feel this way. what's missing? is anything missing? what is this feeling? what am i longing for? there were times when i was in tears.. confused by how i could agree with the Catholic church and still commune as a lutheran. was i doing wrong by not fully committing to either? its been an interesting journey, that with the help of a fellow blogger, i could sum up by saying, "..the deeper I searched for the truth, the further into the ancient Church I was drawn.." the more i read the more i feel called to the origination of the church.. the more i realize i was being called to further explore catholicism.

i've recently been attending a catholic church close to my apartment, at first, simply because of its proximity. i've seen this beautiful church for 7 years as its quite close to CSP. :) finally, i stepped foot in the doors. i've learned a bit about the mass so i appreciate the blessing of the holy water, genuflecting, kneeling, etc. i sit in the back, happy that no one knows me. i get excited.. i feel something.. i feel hunger but satisfuied.. not fully, but not the deep hole. something feels alive. i feel a sense of community amongst this group of people whom i do not know. i feel a congregation excited to love each other, to honor God, recieve the eucharist, to recieve each other into the Catholic body.. wow. i'm in love with this church! i was so sad that i had to miss Mass this weekend because I worked 12 hour shifts sat and sun. now i am longing for daily mass, but not sure that i should go because the focus is on receiving the eucharist and i am not ready for that, on my own terms, or the church's. but i think i'll go today...

if anyone else is reading this, besides lindsey! :) i wanted to share this thought too, as oft times people who move from one demonination to another do so out of hurt. I recall a conversation with a friend in which she said something about me having been hurt by the Lutheran church. but oh contrare.. not only is that not the reason, its quite the opposite. i loved the lutheran church in which i was raised. my family was incredibly active.. it was my community.. my extended family. it is largely the basis of my first 18 years of existence. yes, the pastor and some of the congregation deeply wounded my parents which wounded me.. i'd like to say i hold no grudges, but that would be untruthful. unfortunately (and i know i need to work on this), when i think back on the times i saw my parents and other friends of the familiy suffering... i'm still angry. so many families who were running the church, left it and are now scattered at different congregations, and no longer celebrate in communion together. however, i've always recognized that it was one pastor, human beings.. not the entire Lutheran church -MS. even the fact that the district president was conspiring in his affair did not make me think the entire LCMS was corrupt or wrong or worthy of leaving. heck at that point i was still thinking of being a lutheran church worker. And i think the reverence, the old/high church style of service that i grew up with, is one of the very reasons i feel "at home" in the catholic church. its quite intriguing, actually.

so i guess all i have to say when people ask is, "I feel called.. and I feel at home, with Christ as the center, more than ever."

last night, i sat down to read but quickly realized i'd blog again.. from the book, "Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic." (clever..) by Davide B. Currie

He writes an entire chapter on the Eucharist which is amazing me just pages in.. the following are a bunch of excerpts i've borrowed. hopefully you can piece it together.. if not, its a good read! forgive the typos.. i'm not re-checking it. =)

"Since my childhood, I remember sitting in the communion service once a month and hearing the words, "This is my body," and "This is my blood." What exactly did Jesus mean by these words spoken the night before his crucifixion? He knew that his words were to be repeated throughout the entire world for the rest of time. Surely he put a tremendous amount of thought into how he would express himself during this crucial night. If Jesus had meant to teach Lutheranism, he could have said in a clear way, "This bread contains my body." If he had meant to teach Evangelicalism, he could have said in a clear way, "this bread only represents my body." but he didn't say either. Yet he was clear. In the clearest way he could say it, he said, "This is my body" (Mt 26:26-28).

---(the writer then goes on to compare the loaves and fishes sermon which is recorded in the following John 6:26-59 excerpt. He shows the similarities of the words used exactly one year before the last supper, on Passover). "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world..... I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty..... but here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which a man may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If a man east of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.... I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I wil raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blod is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me and I in him. ..."

Jesus explains his analogy.. "this bread is my flesh, which I give for the life of the world." Jesus says the bread of life is his flesh. Lest we not understand whether he means "flesh" in a real, physical, touchable way, he tells us next that it is the same flesh that will be given up on the Cross! He goes on to say that this flesh must be eaten by his followers. '

The analogy has been clearly explained. There is no doubt about its meaning. If the flesh we eat for eternal life is meant in only a figurative way or spiritually speaking, then so is the flesh of the curcifixion! Jesus equates the two. Either they are both literal, or the are both figurative.

....Jesus taught that in order for us to have eternal life we must "eat his flesh." He repeates this phrase, or its variations, six times. Four of the times, the Greek word used is very graphic; it can be translated, "to chew". This word is never used symbolically anywhere in the New Testament, the Old Testament, the Septuagint, or even in the anctient secular literature.

...In the early Church, everyone who wrote anything about the Eucharist believed in the Real presence of Christ in the elements of Communion..

...For a full millennium of Christianity, there were no exceptions to this belief of the early Chruch in the Real Presence. It was the univeral teaching of the entire Church. Not until Rationalism... had started to transform the thinking of Europe would any movement call into question the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist... With Rationalism, something that could not be understood through reason was rejected. It has been said that mystery is an embarassment to the modern mind....

(laura here stating.. i like that the eucharist is the center of the mass. there is a homily, but the whole purpose of the mass in to prepare and receive the eucharist. for a great book on the mass in relation to Revelations, read "The Lamb's Supper," by Scott Hahn).

(then there's a verse in Zecharia, "On that day... all who come to sacrafice will take some of the pots and cook in them," (14:20,21). Evangelicals are adament that a priesthood here on earth is no longer needed; the need for sacrifices has ended. The crucifixion of Christ was the last sacrifice ever needed. But if the Evangelicals are correct on this issue of sacrafice, why would God reinstitue something superseded by the work of Calvary? Why perform sacrifices that are unnecessary?

Catholics believe that the Eucharist is a real, unbloody sacrafice that brings into the present time the saving effects of the once-for-all-time crucifixion of Jesus. The work of Christ on the Cross is finished. The crucifixion need never be repeated. But its benefits are applied to me in today's timeframe through the real sacrifice of the Eucharist.

...Karl Keating has pointed out in his book Cathohlicism and Fundamentalism: "The Lord has sworn and will not change his mind: "You are a priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek'" (Ps 110:4). By definition a priest offers a sacrifice. What did Melchizedek offer? Some Evengelials are unaware of the fact that it was bread and wine that Melchizedek brought out to Abraham as an offering (Gen 14:18).

The next logical question is, "When did Jesus offer bread and wine as a sacrifice?" the only stance recorded in the Gospels is the Last Supper. Isn't it logical then, that unless Evangelicals can point to another time Jesus fulfilled this function of the Melchizededian pristhood, Jesus saw the Last Supper as the isntitution of a sacrifice? Otherwise the imagery of Psalm 110:4 is emptied of meaning.

This idea of Mass as sacrifice also explains best why 1 Corinthians 11:24-25 quotes jesus as saying during the last supper, "this is my body, which is for you; do this in rememberance of me." As Scripture scholar Father Mitchell Pacwa, S.J., has pointed out, the Greek word for "rememberance" in this passage is a very technical world. Interestingly, it is also a relatively rare word in Scripture. Outside of its uses in the Last Supper, it is used only one other time in the New Testament. This is in Hebrews 10:3, where the rememberance is the act of carrying out a sacrifice. "those sacrifices are an annual reminder [remeberance] of sins." If an Evangelical were to check his Greek Old Testament, he would find that word is used only twice. Both times the remeberence is actually a sacrifice: "Put some pure incense as a memorial... to be an offereing" (Lev 24:7) and "Sound the trumpets over your burnt offerings and fellowship offereings, and they will be a memorial for you (Nb: 10:10). (This word occurs two other times in the Old Testament--in the headings to Psalm 37 abd 69. These were added later by commentators and so are obviously not actual Scripture, but they can indicate the meaning of the word Jesus used. Both speak of the Psalm as being used in conjunction with a memorial sacrifice. the Catholic Old Testament has one jmore occurrence, of a different nature, in Wisdom of Solomon 16:6)

This Greek word "rememberance" is more than just "think about me by recalling this event to mind." It is a word fraught with sacrificial overtones, used in the Bible to mean "remind yourself of something by participating in a sacrifice." What a strange word for Jesus to use if he did not intend to set up the Eucharist as a sacrifice. In fact, Jesus' choice of this rather rare word is unexplainable if he did not view the Last Supper as a sacrifice.

....The very core of Catholicism is the belief in the Real Presence of Christ in the sacrifice of the Eucharist.

SCRIPTURAL AUTHORITY:
"On this subject of scriptural authority, let me being by quoting from a letter i wrote to one of the pastors of the Baptist church we attended immediately before reconciling to Catholicism....

'So that you better understand, let me explain the progression of my thinking to you. When I started this pilgrimage, I accepted the Protestant teaching of sola scriptura, or "only Scripture" (Scripture is the Christian's final authority for his faith.)

Several years ago I set a goal for myself of reading the entire Bible through in a year. I chose the NIV Bible because I had not done much reading in that version up to that time. As I read the Old Testament, I was struck by several major issues. The most revolutionary for me was that I saw that no one could have established or maintained Judaism in the way God desired from the data found only in the Bible.there wee too many holes and gaps: so much was assumed. i saw that a gtremendous amount of what was involved in being a God-fearing, God-pleasingj Israelite must have been passsed down from generation to generation in an oral instruction (tradition). You want just one example? try to reconstruct the process of offereing a sin offering from the Old Testament alone. You can't get to first base! Reconstructing worship that would be pleasing to God from the OT alone is impossible. There are many such examples.

this fact bothered me tremendously. It is hard for me to express in writing how unsettling the implications fo that insight were to me. The God-ordained religion that Moses had helped to set up required the faithful transmission of oral tradition from generation to generation. Otherwise the practice of Judaism in a way pleasing to God would ahve been impossible. I had always thought of the Jews as "people of the Book", yet the Book was not enough! This flew in the face of everything I had ever been taught. I knew it struck at the very heart of sola scriptura by illustrating the necessity of an authorititative oral tradition.

And yet, for us Christians in this age of grace, had not Jesus changed all that Hadn't Jesus condemned all the traditions (binding oral tradition) of the Jews and when he taught here on earth? the next step in my thinking came when I udnerstood that the answer to that question is an emphatic "No." This was not my own insight; I encountered it in a verse that had been pointed out by Scott Hahn.

Jesus actually commanded the Jewish people of his day to obey the Pharisees' traditional teachings, orally transmitted: "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees set in Moses' seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you" (Mt 23:2-3). But the seat of Moses itself is not to be found anywhere in the OT! The seat of Momses was a product of that historic oral tradition so important to the Isrealite faith. Jesus gives the authority of tradition his unqualified approval and commands his contemporaries to obey the tradition's precepts. Theya re not given the option of obeying only those traditions that they could justify with a "chapter and verse." Jesus explicitly includes "everything they tell you". Nor are there any "ifs, ands, or buts" to qualify the obligation to obey. The main problem Jesus had with the Pharisees is evidenced in the rest of the passage; they did not obey their own teaching. The authoritative nature of tradition is expressly taught here by Jesus himself.

ok, laura writing now. all in all, as i trudge through all the literuare.. i find that for myself, as as lutheran, Bible verses were, meh.. there. they were honored and beautiful as the Scripture, but i just sort of passed over the ones that didn't make sense... now, they make sense.. they tie together.. the are what the Catholic church teaches.. because the Catholic church was the church that Christ and his disciples and the early father started. examples that were important to me:

the Tradition of the Papacy:
"In the Book of Isaiah, god promises that he will appoint a new mastor of the royal household of his people: "He shall be a father to the inhabitants of Jerusalem, and to the house of Judah. I will place the key of the House of David on his shoulder; when he opens, no one shall shut, when he shuts, no one shall open" (22:21-22).

The book of Revelation refers to this prophecy to Jesus as the new master of God's household the "new Jerusalem" (21:2), which is the Church. St. John calls him "the holy one, the true who holds the key of David, who opens and no one shall close, who closes and no one shall open' (3:7).

These passages take an additional significance when we read int he Godpel according to Matthew that Jesus gies a special commission to his chief apostle: "You are Peter [meaning literally, "Rock"], and upon this rock I will build my church" (16:18). This is the most direct biblical reference to the papacy. in this moment, our Lord establishes Pter as the first pope, leader of the Church, whose role is indespensable to its mission.

Now notice what Jesus goes on to say to Peter as his commission, "I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." (16:19).

Here Jesus tells more about what it means for Peter to be the "Rock" of the Church: Peter and his successors will have a unique share in Christ's authority as the keeper of the "keys." Alluding to the prophecy in Isaiah, Jesus foretells the role of the pope as a father to Gop's people (the word "pope" literally means "father"), the head of God's royal household, the one with divine authority to open and close the way to the heavenly kingdom.

If such an office was needed in the first generation of the Church, then it is also necessary in every generation, as in the case of priests and bishops. St. peter became the first bishop of Rome, so his unique office in the Church as been passed downt o his episcopal successors there. " (The New Catholic Answer Bible, NAB, M-3).

SAINTS:
The first of the Ten Commandments makes it clear that worship is due to God alone. In Deuteronomy, the Lord tells his people through Moses: "You shall not have other gods besides me... You shall not bow down before them or worship them" (5:7,9).

Catholics affirm this truth. Only the all-mighty creator of the universe, the one in whome "we live and moe and have our being" (Acts 17:28), is worthy of our worship-- of the adoration that involves giving ourselves completely to him. No saint or even aangel should ever be adored in that sense.

At the same time, however, we obey the biblical instruction to "pay to all their dues,.. honor to whom honor is due" (Rom 13:7). Through we don't worship the saints and agnels in heaven, we do in fact honor (or venerate) them, because they are worth of great honor. This is a biblical distinction.

Why do they deserve such honor? Because they now stand before him in heaven face-to-face, and they have become like him ("Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall belike him, for we shall see him as he is. 1jn 3:2). They have become, by God's grace, his glorious image (2Cor3:18), partakers in his divine nature ("Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so taht through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires" 2Pt1:4), They share in his holiness ("...but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." Hebrews 12:10), his glory ("Now if we are children, then we are heirs-- heirs of god and co-heirs with christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in the glory" Romans 8:17), his knoledge (see 1Cor 13:12), and his authority to judge and rule (1 Cor 6:2-3: "Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you hare to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases?" or Rev 3:21: "To him who overcomes, i will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcameand sat with my Father on his throne.").

Are we somehow denying god the honor due him when we honor saints? By no means! They bare his perfected handiwork ("For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ep2:10)-- and when we praise the craftmanship, all the accolades go to the Craftsman. If even the "heavens declare the glory of God; the sky proclaims its builders craft" (Ps 19:2), how much more so do human beings who have been perfected in wisdom and justice, who "shall shine brightly like the splendor of the fimament, and... shall belike the stars forever (Dn 12:3)?

Finally, we should note that, as the old saying goes, "imitation is the sincerest form of praise." Of all ways we can honor God's saints, the best way is to imitate their faith in him ("We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end,in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised" Heb 6:11-12; "Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their fatih" Heb: 13:7).

MARY:
laura: there is so much information about Mary that ties to the old testament (creation, the arch of the covenant) that shows reaons for the great honor given to Mary.. in trhe books i've read.. that i am unable to even put it into this blog.. but perhaps the most meaningful Bible verse is John's vision of heaven in Rv 12 the "woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.... (the serpent tried to sweep the woman away but was overcome..) then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make ar against the rest of her offspring--those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus." "destined to rule all the nations"

as for the assumption: "The assumption is consistent with mary's role as Theotokos ("God-bearer") and immaculate sinless one, who was granted a singular divine grace to bear God himself in her body. If indeed she was free from sin [as, i might note, luther and early reformists believed], then it follows that she would not have to undergo the decay of death, which was the penalty for sin (Gn 3:16-19). If not for the fall of the human race, no one would have died. (the New Catholic Answer Bible, NAB).

well i better stop for now.. i have so many books here i could go on and on forever.. if you've even made it this far, i'm amazed.

another "why catholic" guy!!

2007-01-23T15:22:00.000-05:00

mmm.. not sure if anyone reads this, since i never log in.. or blog on here. but i found an interesting site today. its actually a blog, as well, written by a former baptist minister converted to catholicism.. there were a few things he said that struck a cord. his conversion story, though different, is quite similar to many of the other post-prostestant minister convert to catholicism that i've read... here were afew things that i related with..

his blog sit is: http://why_catholic.blogspot.com/

i'd love it if you read it and told me what you thought. :) its a lot about his conversion but there are some things i'm sure you'd find interesting.. here goes with some quotes i copied off his blog:

"...the deeper I searched for the truth, the further into the ancient Church I was drawn.."

"I don't mean to paint such a negative picture. Most all protestants I know are godly people who love and serve Jesus Christ the best they know how. They want nothing more than to please Christ with their lives, but Catholicism is something truly foreign to them. They have only vague knowledge and assumptions on Church teaching and practice based on what they see in the media (and we all know how accurately the media portrays the Church). Catholicism makes them uncomfortable because of the unfamiliarity.

The Eucharist is one of the largest reasons for my conversion to Catholicism. In seminary, we studied the two ordinances observed by Baptists, namely Communion and Baptism. The more I studied Scriptures, the reformers, and the early Church, the more I realized that there was more to Communion than "just" a memorial. Too many of these sources were teaching that Christ was present in a real way during this activity. Scripture was also clear that the rituals prescribed for His people always had a deeper meaning than a mere observance. They were times of drawing nearer to God. And why would people be sick and dying for not "discerning the body correctly" if it was just a memorial piece of bread?

John 6:52-59

The Jews disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you; he who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him. As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats Me will live because of Me. This is the bread which came from Heaven, not such as the fathers ate and died; he who eats this bread will live for ever." This He said in the synagogue, as He taught in Capernaum.

It amazes me now to think how anyone could attempt a defense of a symbolic reading of this passage. This is merely their own theology dictating to them the meaning of the passage, and that flawed process is called eisegesis. They are putting their own meaning and thoughts into the Scripture rather than accept the truth as Christ plainly teaches.

I realized my own errors in this regard while still a protestant minister. I was not yet willing to become Catholic, but I believed that the Eucharist was exactly as Christ and His disciples taught. There were still many questions, but I was running out of excuses to avoid converting. Scripture was so clear and I was finding that everything in history echoed the truth about the authority of Christ's Church, the Eucharist, Baptism, and more.

I find this typical of many Catholics today. You don't know your faith and that is why many of you leave for protestant congregations, or leave when controversy strikes. If you knew what you have as a Catholic, not only would you not leave BUT you would also share and defend your rich faith."

Why Catholic?

2006-08-25T01:45:00.000-04:00

I'm currently on a quest to find the home of my spirit's desire. I (jokingly) "blame" my lovely parents for baptizing me Catholic for this continuous calling of my heart to consider, or at least learn more about, Catholicism. The other day I was eating lunch and flipping channels and let's face it, there's not much to watch if you don't like daytime television and don't want to pay for cable, so I landed upon EWTN (somehow that means the Catholic channel). I was intrigued by the priest who was on and what he had to say regarding discernment. He was sharing on the topic of discerning priesthood. In response to a caller's question on "how you know if you're being 'called' to become a priest," he said several things but the one that stood out to me was "it just keeps coming back to you. You might try to push it away, but it's always there, knocking, and it just keeps coming back" Now, take a deep breath friends, I'm not discerning the priesthood :) or becoming a nun (not yet, at least, although if they offerred to pay off all my school debt, I might seriously consider it!). But what he said is resonating in my heart.

"It just keeps coming back." How does that apply to this girl? Well, I think the first time it (Catholicism for me) came up was when I was dating this guy right after graduation from St. Kate's. I met him at my cousin's wedding. It had been my average two weeks when I started to realize things that ultimately meant he wasn't the one. He was Catholic, for one thing! I mean, sure, I'd date someone of a different denomination but if things seemed to line up and he wasn't willing to budge and i wasn't willing to budge.. well, I guess we'd have to re-evaluate.

In any case, what happened, was I went to House of Mercy (non-denom, yet old-school/hippie blue grass church.. great place) and this homeless man spoke and shared with us his gift of music. It was amazing. I never quite felt at home at HOM but I deeply appreciated its openness to all people and how all different kinds of people attended and enjoyed hearing God's word there. Later that night I was on a walk on Harriet Island with the young man I was seeing and we saw the homeless gentleman. I stopped to talk with him and thanked him for sharing at church. After we walked away, I asked my date if he'd ever want to go to church with me. After all, I'd gone to mass with many Catholic friends just to be in fellowship at worship. Heck, I grew up doing it. His response was the deal breaker. He was immediately defensive as if I was asking him to leave the Catholic church and join the non-denom i didn't even belong to. I was so shocked. I just wanted him to see the ministry of this church and all the beauty that I saw there even when I knew it wasn't the church for me.

This lead to a bit of a discussion and he brought up RCIA. This was the first time I heard this acronym. I had no idea what that stood for but I knew it was the classes people took to learn about or become Catholic. I think he may have asked me take them when i was challenging his beliefs vs Lutheranism. I wouldn't have even considered it (RCIA classes). I deeply admired Martin Luther and his colleagues for all that they fought for and the changes they brought about! I still believe he stood for what he believed in and fought against the thick and weighty corruption of the powerful Catholic church. Before anymore of that talk came up we decided to call it quits with the relationship..

But I still lived with Jill.. one of the most beautiful souls mine had come in contact with.

real blogging

2006-08-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

after enjoying reading the blogs of my friends and realizing that i didn't really enjoy blogging on myspace.. i thought, why not? so here i am, and though my heart is on fire for so much i want to share, i must pack! i'm supposed to leave..... an hour ago!!!!! heading to de witt for mom's graduation! :) lovely lady.

thanks for stopping by!